Jealousy in My Relationship with God

God speaks to me through written word. Through reading the Bible and journaling my thoughts out He delivers whatever messages He may have for me. It is a source of comfort to know that He knows me so well and meets me uniquely in that place, but I’ve gone through seasons of jealousy in this area.

When people say how they hear God’s voice loud and clear regularly, receive visions, and have dreams with lofty messages, I can end up feeling a bit like I’m missing out. I’ve heard some whispers of His voice, one vision, and zero dreams from God.

That mode of communication seems so straightforward, so clear. While I feel like I have to dig for an answer, I perceive others being handed their messages on silver platters. If only God could tell me all He wants me to do in a dream. We would save so much time!

I was feeling this way last year, bitterness hardening in my heart. I was desperate for answers to some long-outstanding questions and had received no such thing. I was wanting for Him to drop the answers in my lap so I could be on my way, neglecting actually spending any time with Him. It had gotten to the point where I’d tell myself I wasn’t going to hear from Him anyway, so I might as well not listen. A sabotage disguised as self-protection. It wasn’t until my Retreat Day–a paid vacation day to spend time with Jesus–that I finally got a piece of the big picture.

I sat down at my desk to read my Bible and journal, something I hadn’t really sat down to do in a while. I entered into the time with honesty, writing how I felt, including my doubt and fear and anger. I journaled about how if God wanted to get my attention, He’d have to scream my name because I was far from listening.

As I wrote all this out, the message, as it usually does, became abundantly clear. God wasn’t screaming my name, He was whispering it. I had closed Jesus out and He wasn’t going to come booming through the storm clouds, but He would wait patiently for me to reconnect with Him. He had been speaking to me all the time, with perfectly-timed songs and other small deliveries I was much too self-pitying to notice.

I processed through seventeen pages worth of my journal with Him and I realized how special my connection with Him is–how special each and every connection with Him is. It is not a one-size-fits-all relationship with Him. He meets us in our passions and interests, our hearts and minds. He knows how to speak to my heart and won’t compromise the quality of our connection just because I look at someone else’s and admire it.

How does God speak to you?



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